I was utterly shocked to discover today that my Chinese zodiac sign is not the pig as I have thought for years, but instead the dog. This means that I am not a “model of sincerity, purity, tolerance, and honor” like I originally thought, but instead I am “cynical, lazy, cold, judgmental, pessimistic, a worrier, stubborn, and quarrelsome.” For years my life has been a mockery since I trusted those deceiving place mats at Chinese restaurants. You see, it turns out that while they typically only designate your animal by the year of birth, this ignores the fact that the calendar is really based on a lunar calendar that begins in mid February.

My sense of self identity has been utterly shattered… I’m just not sure what to make of this. Dogs may be “man’s best friend”, but they drool a bit too much for my taste. Pigs on the other hand are the source of bacon, which in my eyes places them up there as one of the noblest of beasts.